Off Topic Jokes thread

please log in to view this image

 

A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week.
Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn"t mind doing the confessions whilst he"s away.
Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman.
"You must do five hail marys, and polish the church door brass."
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job.
After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a mans cock in the handbook and wonders what to do.
He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "a bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went
to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father, during World War Two, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the
Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you
placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?'

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified.
"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth - isn't that right, nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father.

 

please log in to view this image