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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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#23761
Wooperts_duck, Jun 25, 2022

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#23762
Wooperts_duck, Jun 25, 2022

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#23763
Wooperts_duck, Jun 25, 2022

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#23764
Wooperts_duck, Jun 25, 2022

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#23765
Wooperts_duck, Jun 25, 2022

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#23766
Wooperts_duck, Jun 25, 2022

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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
It is wearing an Australian Tax Office (ATO) ID badge, dull grey suit with a calculator in the pocket and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie, "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this", says the man, "I'm not going to trust an ATO officer.
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***ZAP*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
*** ZAP *** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
*** ZAP *** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story? If the ATO offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

#23767
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23768
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23769
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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It’s 1296 and Edward Longshanks leads an invasion force of 40,000 troops across the border into Scotland, where he is met with an eerie silence.
At the top of his voice he calls out - “Wherefore art thou Scotsmen? Before you is the rightful King of England and Scotland, come to reign over you”!
A lone kilted figure appears on the crest of a nearby hill, gesticulating obscenely - “Get de fook out Jimmy”!
Edward - “Dear Lord. What on earth is that”?
His Captain replies - “That’s a Scotsman Sire. Shouldn’t be a problem. There won’t be too many about while the pubs are still open”.
Edward - “Captain, send 20 of your troops up there to kill that Scotsman at once”.
The lone figure quickly vanishes over the crest of the hill, rapidly followed by 20 English troops.
Five minutes later the kilted figure reappears on the hilltop. “Is THAT the best you can doo? Get the fook out Jimmy”!
“Captain”! exclaims Edward. “Take your 100 best men and go and kill that Scotsman”!
The lone figure again disappears over the crest of the hill, quickly followed by the Captain and his 100 best troops.
Ten minutes pass before one solitary English soldier staggers back down the hillside covered in blood, sh!t, snot and Irn Bru, and falls to his knees in front of his King.
“Sire!” he says. “It’s a trap!..There’s two of 'em”!

#23770
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23771
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23772
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23773
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23774
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23775
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23776
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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#23777
antipodean exile, Jun 26, 2022

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One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a scouser all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.
The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Jew.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.” “No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.”
So off he went to the barn, leaving the scouser and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Hindu.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”
The scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.
The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the cow and the pig.
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#23778
Wooperts_duck, Jun 26, 2022

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A rich socialite commissioned an artist to paint her portrait.
He said his fee would be £5000, which she accepted without hesitation.
When she turned up the following week for her first sitting she reached into her bag and handed him £10000.
The artist was surprised and asked why she was paying him double the agreed fee:
"I want you to paint me in the nude"
She said. "Do you have any objections?"
"Not for £10,000 I don't!"
The artist replied. "But I would have to keep my socks on - I need somewhere to put my brushes."

#23779
Wooperts_duck, Jun 26, 2022

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#23780
Wooperts_duck, Jun 26, 2022

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