A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the bloody ship?"
They say that the dog is truly man's best friend. If you don't believe me, put your dog and your wife in the boot of your car and after an hour open it and see which one is happy to see you!
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch."
A Wick bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the country that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop. Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet. Then one day, a scrawny little man, (if he stood sideways you would not see him) wearing scratched glasses, a ten year old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I'd like to take on the bet." After the laughter had died down, the barman said, "Okay", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the Lemon Rind to the little man. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence....as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon....six drops fell into the glass. As the barman paid the 1000 Quid bet, he asked "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?" The little man quietly replied: "I’m a Tax man.”
