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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23341
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23342
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  3. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23343
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23344
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Guy meets his new wife and they are enjoying new times together at the local swimming pool.
    Keen to build her admiration even more he says, watch this.
    He climbs the steps to the starting block and dives in and does a mighty display of butterfly down and turns to a sprint finish with great speed in freestyle.. Climbs out and lays back beside her on the grass..
    How was that,, what did you think of that...,?
    She says WOW that was super fast... Did you swim in the Olympics or something?..
    Yes he says.. I represented Australia in Barcelona...
    She says watch this then.
    She climbed the starter block and dived in and in a flash she was down the other end and back...
    She says, Well are you impressed...?.
    He says WOW.. Did you go to the Olympics as well.?
    No.. She says. I was a prostitute in Yarrawonga and I worked on both sides of the Murray River....!
     
    #23345
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23346
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23347
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23348
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23349
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23350
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23351
    Wooperts_duck, May 26, 2022
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!
    The librarian looks up and calmly remarks - "So, you're the one who took our phone book..."
     
    #23352
    Wooperts_duck, May 26, 2022
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I’ve got a 1998 Ford Fiesta with a full tank of petrol...

    Looking to swap for a 4 bed detached house.
     
    #23353
    Wooperts_duck, May 26, 2022
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A chap jumps in a taxi says, “King Arthur’s Close”.

    The taxi driver says, “Don’t worry I’ll lose him at the lights”…
     
    #23354
    Wooperts_duck, May 26, 2022
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23355
    Wooperts_duck, May 26, 2022
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  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
    The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.
    He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
    She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”
    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
    She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”
    To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.
    “No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” the woman says.
    “Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
    Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”
     
    #23356
    antipodean exile, May 27, 2022
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23357
    antipodean exile, May 27, 2022
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23358
    antipodean exile, May 27, 2022
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23359
    antipodean exile, May 27, 2022
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23360
    antipodean exile, May 27, 2022
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