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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23321
    Wooperts_duck, May 24, 2022
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23322
    Wooperts_duck, May 24, 2022
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

    “Try the ATM outside,” he said.
     
    #23323
    Wooperts_duck, May 24, 2022
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23324
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23325
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Once upon a time there lived a king.
    The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princes s touched would melt.
    No matter what - metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
    The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
    He consulted his wizards and. magicians.
    One wizard told the king "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured".
    The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
    The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...
    Three young princes took up the challenge.
    The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
    The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
    The third prince approached. He told the princess "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there". The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
    And it did not melt!!
    The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
    What was in the prince's pants?
    M&M's of course. They melt in your
    mouth, not in your hand.
     
    #23326
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23327
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23328
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23329
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Kevin gets a New Secretary.
    A few days later his wife learns of this this new hire, and so he faces a volley of rapid, suspicious questions.
    Emma (Kevin's wife): “Does your new secretary have nice legs?" Kevin: “Didn’t quite notice."
    Emma: "What color are her eyes?" Kevin: “Haven’t had the time to check."
    Emma: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon?" Kevin:
    “Not a clue in the world." Emma: "Does she have a local accent?” Kevin: “I barely spoke to her, so don’t know.”
    Emma: "How does she dress?" Kevin: "Very quickly.”
     
    #23330
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23331
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23332
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23333
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23334
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23335
    antipodean exile, May 25, 2022
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
    The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
    “No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”
    “Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
    The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
    She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
     
    #23336
    Wooperts_duck, May 25, 2022
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #23337
    Wooperts_duck, May 25, 2022
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Geoff received his plate, he started eating straight away.
    "Geoff , wait until we've said our prayer," his mother reminded him.
    "I don't have to," the Little boy replied.
    "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house."
    "That's at our house," Geoff, explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
     
    #23338
    Wooperts_duck, May 25, 2022
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23339
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #23340
    antipodean exile, May 26, 2022
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