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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  2. Wooperts_duck

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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  5. Wooperts_duck

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  6. Wooperts_duck

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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania.
    They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway.
    t was late at night and raining very hard with thunder and lightning.
    Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
    Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
    Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
    After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
    A minute passes and a small, hunched-back old man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
    "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "We don't have a phone. But my master is a doctor, come in, and I will get him!"
    Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
    With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
    After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
    Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail, and Bob and Betty Hill both died.
    The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, haunting melody fills the house.
    Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.
    Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the Conservatory.
    He bursts in and shouts to his Master,
    "The Hills are alive, to the sound of music !"...........
     
    #23308
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  9. antipodean exile

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  10. antipodean exile

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  11. antipodean exile

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  12. antipodean exile

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  13. antipodean exile

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  14. antipodean exile

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  15. antipodean exile

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  16. Wooperts_duck

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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    OK. So we've all heard of the actor Richard Gere.

    But it is such a shame that his fame overshadowed that of his famous ventriloquist father..... Gotler !!
     
    #23317
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday. Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike. The other priest asked where his bike was so the first priest said, "I don't know, but I think it got stolen!"
    The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to "Thou shall not steal" someone will confess to the crime."
    The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the one priest said.
    The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."
     
    #23318
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    In the village where I live everyone wears a jumper 2 sizes too small.

    Never found out why even though its a tight knit community.
     
    #23319
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was in the chemistry lab at school earlier and I said to the prep assistant, “What can I use to get rid of germs?”

    She said, "Ammonia cleaner."

    I said, "Oh I'm sorry, I thought you worked here..."
     
    #23320

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