Off Topic Jokes thread

The Pope is having some work done in the vatican. As he is passing one of the carpenters hits his thumb with a hammer
"Fecking Hell!" he cries.
The Pope is horrified and tells the carpenter "My son, this is the house of God, such profanities are not appropriate here. If you have hurt yourself in some way you should offer your prayer to our lord Jesus and he will give you relief from your suffering"
Next day as the Pope is passing the same carpenter chops off his fingers with a saw. "Oh my God! Sweet Jesus please help me now!" says the carpenter.
With that the fingers levitate themselves and re-attach themselves to the poor carpenter's hand, all the blood disappears and the carpenter wiggles his fingers,
"Fecking Hell" says the Pope.

 

On thier wedding night Paddy sat down with his new wife Mary and said ""we will have a lovely happy life if you never look in the bottom drawer in the chest of drawers in the bedroom"" Mary agreed.
So after 50 years of Happy married life Mary decided to have a look in the drawer.
She found 3 golf balls and £200.
She confronted Paddy about the find.
Paddy said ""every time I was unfaithful in our marriage I put a golf ball in the drawer""
Mary was shocked but thought 3 balls, 3 times in 50 years is not so bad..
She asked Paddy ""what about the £200?""
Ah said Paddy "" every time I collected 10 balls I sold them for a £5.

 

Irish Fishing
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious visiting gentleman asked what he was doing.
“Fishing”, replied the old man.
Poor old fool, thought the gentlemen.
So, he decided he would invite the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked
“And, how many have you caught today?”
“You're the eighth.”

 

I want to give a big shout out to the lady next door who loaned me a big cover to stop my stuff getting wet.

Ta Pauline.

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image