Off Topic Jokes thread

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Just arrived home after seeing a good friend take his last breath, I was to honoured to have been there at the end.
This was a man when had dodged a snipers bullet in the Falklands, had survived many armed patrols in Northern Ireland.
A man who had walked away from a high speed motorbike crash.
At the hospital, just before he went, he beckoned me toward him, he couldn't speak due to the pipes and tubes that were attached to him so I moved closer as he pointed at his mouth.
I ...said I didn't know what he wanted and asked if he could write, he nodded vigorously so I passed him some paper from his bedside cabinet and took the pen from my pocket.
Unfortunately, as he was writing, he stopped, the pen fell to the floor, the machine that he was attached to started to make that ominous monotone that tells you its all over.
The paper dropped from his hand as the nurses rushed in and tried in vain to revive him but all to no avail, he now knew all the answers to all the questions ever asked, including the ultimate.
I returned to my bike in the car park with heavy heart, trying to avoid looking into the faces of the mixed patients, visitors and hospital workers.
I somehow managed to get to the bike without breaking up, and, as I fumbled for my keys I rediscovered the note from the recently deceased. By now it was all crumpled up so I attempted to iron it out on the petrol tank. It just looked gibberish so I returned it to my coat pocket.
I have now got home and was about to throw it away but the though hit me, it might be some sort of final message with hidden importance, there are no spaces between the words, it just appears to be a jumble of letters.
I decided to share it on facebook to see if anyone could decipher it, I never was any good at anagrams or conundrums so here it is in its entirety (I'm not sure whether or not he finished before he shuffled from our mortal coil ) it says "GETOFFMYFUCKINGOXYGENPIPEYOUFATBAST".....any ideas?..

 

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse.
When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death:
When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it." One deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right." The other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.
"No doubt about it." The sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know." He said. "It could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted. "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse?"
"Yes it could. "The sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

 

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of
him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He
thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost
again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry
to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole
I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on
13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked
if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they
were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know
what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.
She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper.
........I'm still one hole behind you."

 

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