Upon arriving home, Wullie was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone”. Immediately, Wullie drove down the street to confront the chemist , and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realise that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys". "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about two miles from the shop.I had a flat tyre". "When I finally got to the shop a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the shop opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing". He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke". "Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer”. "And believe me Mr., as God is my witness, all I did was tell her”.
A soldier who was renting a house from me has done a runner owing me six months rent. He told me he was a General, but I’ve since discovered he’s a Left Tenant.
Maggie here, I am not a fan of facebook as it seems to be a platform for making me feel **** about my life. I am sure everyone lies about their wonderful lives on it. So, here is my interpretation of what is really being said on Facebook….. Wow..suitcase packed off on our lovely hols with my amazing husband and wonderful children ( I am shattered from being up all night packing for these lazy bastards….I want to drink wine already and its only 4am and we are not even at the airport yet) Just cooked a lovely tea ( insert picture), can’t wait to snuggle down with my man and eat it! (hope he chokes on it…and I didn't cook it at all, I warmed it up then put it on a plate so you will all think I am a domestic goddess) Had the most amazing night with my lovely friends… ( spent most of the night providing shoulder to cry on for recently dumped friend, trying to stop desperate friend shagging inappropriate man, holding hair for ‘shots all night’ friend while she vomits up £40 worth of booze…..never again.) Just had a lovely bath complete with candles!! ( had to wash as covered in horse **** and electricity ran out so was forced to use a candle.) Enjoyed a lovely long walk with the dogs today! ( because the ****ers ran off and it took me 5 miles to catch them.) Had a lovely day with all the family today! ( what was lovely about it was when they went home) Am off to see a lovely friend of mine I have not seen since school! ( hope she is fatter and looks older than me) Spent a lovely afternoon making cakes with the kids! ( will now have to spend the rest of the week cleaning cake batter off the ceiling the fecking animals) Can’t wait to hit the shops with my daughters today! Girlie shopping! ( goodbye salary hello strops and arguments – just kill me now) Going to have a lovely relaxing early night! ( have to get to bed and asleep pronto, hubby feeling fruity, am not in mood so instigating avoidance tactics!!..
