Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. 'Bruce, Bruce' she yelled. Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said. 'Strewth' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank. They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'? 'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. 'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.' 'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?' 'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'
I think, I'm going to lose my licence and all just because of a stupid police officer who pulled me over on the way home from Dornoch this morning The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car: Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!" Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything." Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on the A9 at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?" Me: "A car." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"So, you're drunk." Me:"But I didn't drink anything." Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on the A96 at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it? Me:"A motorcycle." Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?" Me:"I have no idea!" Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!" Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question. Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark in a City at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?" Officer:"A prostitute of course." Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?" Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
A father and son walk past a brothel and the son asks.... Son, "Dad, what is this place?" Father, "It`s a happyhouse, you can buy happiness in there." The next day the son goes to the happyhouse, rings the bell and the Madam opens the door. The boy says, "Hello, I have $8 and want to buy some happiness." The Madam escorts him to the kitchen and prepares 8 slices of bread with Nutella. Later that day dad comes home from work and finds his son exhausted on the couch and asks... Father, "What`s wrong?" Son, "I went to the happyhouse today, best I could do was 5, the last 3 I only licked."
