A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees: "I don't want to know." The child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asks. “What's wrong?” "Oh, dad." The boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really fu*k, I'll have nothing left to live for."
This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A friend of hers calls one day and says, "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?" "Oh that's not a problem" she says, "When I go out, I put the female upstairs." "And does that do the trick?" asks her friend. "Well," she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund go upstairs with a hard on?"
The accident-prone wood cutter Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital. When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surgery will take around four hours. Four hours later, Sam returned to the surgeon who told him the operation was a complete success and that John was already at the nearby bar. Sam met John at said bar were John was throwing dart using the arm that had been severed last time Sam saw it. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital. When they get to the hospital, the same surgeon saw them quickly. He says that legs are trickier to reattach than arms and that it should around six hours. Six hours later, Sam returned to the surgeon who told him the operation was a complete success and that John was already at the nearby soccer field. Sam met John at the soccer field were John was kicking goals with the leg that had been severed last time Sam saw it. A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again and John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the hospital. When they get to the hospital, the same surgeon saw them quickly. He says that heads are really tough to reattach and that if he succeeds, John should be good as new in twelve hours. Twelve hours later, Sam returned to the surgeon. "I'm so sorry," he said, "John died." "I understand doctor," sniffled Sam, "Thanks for trying." "You misunderstand," said the surgeon, "The surgery went fine. John suffocated in that plastic bag."
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
Having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Lancashire scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, a Cumbrian archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Windermere Times : "Cumbrian archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Lancashire ". One week later, the Liverpool echo reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in longley lane Toxteth , Amos Thwaite, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all..........and has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Merseyside had already gone wireless."
