On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whisky, fatso!” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee. When the man points out this omission to her, the parrot drains its glass of whisky and bawls, “And get me another whisky, you silly woman!” Upset and shaking, the stewardess comes back with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now!" Next moment two burly stewards wrench both him and the parrot from their seats and throw them out of the emergency exit. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can’t fly you’re a lippy bugger!”
A MAN AND WOMAN WERE MARRIED FOR MANY YEARS. Whenever there a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife said, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."
Little Johnny had been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked his, "Grandma what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse darling." Little Johnny said "Oh OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily "Grandma it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.
