Off Topic Jokes thread

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Yes, I'm looking for the Sue Gray report, do you have a copy?

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Paddy pulls along side a Lorry and shouts, "Oi mate, you're losing your load!" The driver replies, "Fek off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts, "Oi, you're losing your load!" The driver then again replies, Feck off!" 5 miles further along, Paddy yells, "I'm not joking, you're losing your load!"

The driver then shouts, "Will you Feck off you thick twit, I'm gritting!"

 

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Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Lee's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear. Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Lee's wife, Sue, followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, he did.
Sue said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £250.'
Jim confirmed that he is very interested. Sue told him that since her husband Lee played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Lee's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum, they went to the bedroom, and Sue gave him a flipping great time. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Lee came home from golf at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'Did he give you £250?
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did.'
Lee, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay it back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is how poker should be played....

 

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A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbour? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?"

The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? NIGELLA LAWSON?!"

 

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times."
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side."
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I think you are bad luck."

 

My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet.
Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it & stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving & smashing the school up like others I could mention.
"No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do".

 

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If you ever get arrested wait till the Policeman says "Anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence against you."
Then simply repeat the following "The accused had nothing to say... I, on the other hand, find you very attractive your honour and am struggling to contain myself."
Then watch his face when as he reads it out in court