An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all feckin same."
BREAKING: The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach. "We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"
For her birthday I took my girlfriend to an orchard where we stood looking at trees for half an hour.. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently
Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?" Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."
So I'm at Petsmart buying a bag of dog food for my dog’s please log in to view this image While in the line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog please log in to view this image Why else would I be buying dog food? So being the smartass that I am I told her "No, I don't have a dog, I'm starting my Dog Food Diet again" and that I probably really shouldn't because the last time, I had ended up in hospital, in intensive care with IV's in both arms and tubes coming out of most orifices. But I had lost 25lbs in 4 Weeks! I told her that it was essentially the Perfect Diet and all you have to do is load your pockets with handfuls of dry dog food and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. I get the 'Complete' food as it is nutritionally balanced, so it works really well, and I decided that I was going to give it another go. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was now enthralled with my story) Horrified, she asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her "No, I stepped off a curb to sniff a Cocker Spaniel's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
