Off Topic Jokes and One LIners

Ron

Ron

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Jan 25, 2011
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You've probably heard these before but just in case. Feel free to add any new ones

• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It 's syncing now.

• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

• When chemists die, they barium.

• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

• Broken pencils are pointless.

• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

• All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

• Velcro - what a rip off!

• The most common surname In China is Chang, correct me if you think that's Wong.
 
Pinched fro Wooperts Duck (QPR) and amended

I phoned Radio Essex today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Colchester game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"
"7", I replied.
 
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The World Champion Tongue Twister has been arrested. There is talk of him getting a long sentence

I went to the doctors and told him my arm hurts in several places. He told me not to go there any more

On the way back I went shopping to buy some camouflage trousers, but I couldn't find any

On the M6 yesterday, a cement mixing lorry collided with a police van. Police have requested that motorists keep a lookout for 6 hardened criminals

A lorry containing sinus sprays overturned on the M25 today. Police say there will be no congestion for 4 hours

My wife reckons sex is better on holiday. That wasn't a very nice post card to get

New product in Boots. Viagra eye drops, for men who want to look hard
 
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Lady at work goes to HR & aske if she can bring a sexual harassment case against Billy. HR asks what did Billy say, that my hair smells nice. HR that is a compliment not sexual harassment. Yes but Billy is only 3ft tall.
 
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I had to take part in a blind folded masturbation contest the other day. **** knows where I came
 
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