Joke thread

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M

Mikeynoski

Member
May 17, 2012
53
3
8
Behind Enemy Lines (North Bristol)
Title and some content shamelessly stolen from another teams page.

There is a lot of doom and gloom about... for obvious reasons. Lets try and cheer eachother up a bit. Would love to see some of your favourite jokes here (which in turn will be shamlessly stolen and used elsewhere by me! ;)). I'll start;

Dear Deirdre

I was watching my next door neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As i was knocking one out, I turned to notice my wife just stood there, arms folded...watching me...

Is she a pervert?
 
After my wife died of a heart attack I didn't want to settle down again straight away. I wanted to have some fun first. So I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with.

Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed. They thought I should have called an ambulance first.
 
"I'm feeling really horny," said my wife as she sat down beside me on the sofa last night, "My pussy is wet and I want you inside me."

"Then," she continued, "I want you to slip it in my tight little arse while I finger myself senseless."

"Can't you see that I'm trying to watch the football here?" I said. "Take that ****ing phone into the kitchen!"
 
A man goes to bed & reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her breasts then carries on down her side and legs. He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner thigh.
He moves back towards the top and stops.

His wife opens her eyes and gasps.. "Why did you stop?" He says "Found the remote - Back to sleep fatty!
 
Three guys are discussing women. "I like to watch a woman's tits best, " the first guy says.
The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass." He asks the third guy "What about you?". "Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
 
Found a note stuck on my door from my gorgeous blonde neighbour earlier, saying

"I want you to come round and **** me stupid" but she can piss off

nobody calls me names then asks for a favour
 
Two rovers fans are on holiday in Amsterdam
and visit a brothel

"Have you got a fat ginger bird
with no teeth, a heroin addiction
and a minge like a vandalized bus seat" They ask

"You boys are really kinky" says the madam

"Are we ****" they reply
"We're looking for our mum"
 
I think most of us were already resigned to relegation before a ball was even kicked yesterday. I felt more deflated after the Easter weekened than I did at full time last night. So on that basis, I'm going to keep cracking (posting) jokes. Thanks for the contributions guys. Keep them coming..

Just been to the supermarket with the wife, and out of the blue she says " You are one lazy ****"..

Well **** me, I nearly fell out of the trolley !
 
My 10 year old boy cornered me early Sunday morning and asked, Dad, what's a ****?
You can't use language like that son, I "exclaimed".
I'm getting bullied at school cause I dont know what **** is Dad, he replied.
Ok Son, I said, follow me.
Then he follows me up upstairs where the missus is still asleep in bed and I lift the quilt carefully not to wake her.
See the triangle area with a strip of hair above son.
Yes Dad, he says.
Well that's a fanny son the rest of it's a ****.
 
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and had a massive go at me.
"You ****ing prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed.
"Well so is washing the baby in there, but I don't have a go at you about that!" I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.
She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs
 
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,

"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own ****ing business!"
 
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