Is this the moment for the Paul Jewell invitational joke? Here we go... A woman walks into the bar. "What the **** are you doing out of the kitchen" said her husband...
I was walking through a graveyard the other day on my way to work, when i saw a man sitting behind a gravestone. "morning" i called out. he said.. "No, i'm having a ****!"
The old ones are the best............................... Feller wenet to the doctor and said "Doctor, I have a problem" Doc said "What is it?". Bloke said "I can't pronounce my Ts or my Fs". Doc says "Well you can't say fairer than that, can you/"
So I was playing Skyrim, the dragon roared at me, I ignored it and carried on. The beast, again, roared in a violent temper. Pissed off, I threw my controller down. "Okay, I'll go and look for a ****ing job", I told her.
Possible explanation for there being no male agony aunts... Dear Jim, Last week I left for work as normal but having only gone a mile or so, my car broke down. I had to walk home again, and on arriving home I found my 16 year old babysitter handcuffed to the bed in her school uniform with my husband bent over her! I am devastated! Can you help? Dear Sally, A common cause for this is dirt in your carburettor. Don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank. Hope this helps. Jim
Billy : Mum, I've got the biggest cock at nursery school, is that cos I'm a big boy?Mum: No, it cos your 28 and ******ed. Now watch before you slabber your spaghetti down your new Yernited top.
Four blokes in a prison cell. An animal shagger, a sadist, a necrophiliac and a gay.the animal ****er says 'if their was a cat in here i'd **** it till it passed out. The sadist nods and says 'once your done with it i'd torture it to death. The necrophiliac sighs 'once it was dead i'd **** it till i passed out. The gay bloke sat in the corner very softly says 'meow'.
A bear walked into a pub, walked upto the bar and said to the barman, Ill have a pint of....................................................... lager Please. The Barman said, whats with the big paws
During the World Cup, Wayne Rooney was caught on camera questioning the loyalty of England fans. It's a good job he hasn't: - cheated on his wife with several prostitutes - left the local club he supported as a boy for a more successful rival - asked to leave this rival after years of them nurturing his talent just so he could get more money at another rival - before disappointing the fans at this new club by making a U-turn when he was offered a massive pay rise. His loyalty has, thankfully, never been in doubt.
Wayne Rooney was once labelled the "White Pele." Keeping that tradition alive we can dub Fernando Torres the "White Heskey."
A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, " I have a great pet for you. A toothless hamster". The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the **** out."
That reminds me of the old adage about why you should never chain a woman to the sink....I mean how the hell is she supposed to clean the bog if she's chained to the sink
A horse walks into a bar and says "pint of bitter please". The barman says "What's with the long face?"
