A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
what do you call a bristol rovers fan on the moon? 'a problem' what do you say when all the bristol rovers fans are on the moon? 'problem solved'
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husbands habbit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldnt stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound alseep, She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound alseep and gently pulling the bed covers back, She pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, Tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, " You were right love, All these years you have warned me and I didnt listen to you". What do you mean? asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Some vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back up..
I've got two bad habits, smoking and masturbation. I'm a 20-a-day man and Christ, I smoke like a chimney!
I was walking to work when an old guy summoned me over to a garden. "Pssstt," he said. "Hey, boy, you see that rabbit hutch over there? If you go over and pull open the door, there's a million pounds in there for you." "Just pull open the door?" I said in disbelief. "Yes" He replied I said, "There must be some sort of catch..."
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
I have noticed how much my cock is like Bristol City. lots of people laugh but it always manages to stay up!
Chelsea are poised to win 3 of the 4 top European football awards. Messi will get ballon d'or but, Lampard is getting the Carte d'or Torres the Barn D'or And Terry... The Fallon D'floor.
My young daughter said to me today, "Dad what is optimism?" I said " well 25 years ago I used to own a Ford Cortina with 160mph on the speedo"
My dad used to have a red ford cortina mk 4 2.0GL. I really enjoyed driving it. I never took it over 60mph though