Joke Of The Day....

a mother at the playground yesterday asked me which kids was mine.
i told her i hadnt picked one out yet.

 

"that is terrible"

I know, Yesterday someone said to me "you think you're a comedian don't you?"

I thought why would I want to change my colour to blend in to the background to deter predators.


I'm here all week.

 

Rumours in Libya are that Colonel Gaddaffi is not dead but having now studied the video evidence it is highly likely that
it was in fact Jackie Stallone that has been executed.

 

‎"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure" is an awesome phrase. But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

 

A Gashead who goes to every home game at the Mem, finds that when he arrives home afyter the game, his nose starts dripping uncontrollably. After each game therefore he gets through a whole box of Kleenex before it stops. He gets very fed up with this, so eventually goes to see his doctor.

His Doctor listens to his account of his symptoms and calmly says " I'm afraid that this sniffling runny nose every Saturday is having a bad effect on your health. Gashead ask what he should do.

The reply is "STOP GOING TO WATCH THAT LOAD OF RUBBISH AND FIND YOURSELF A PROPER TEAM!"

 

I shagged my best mates missus last night.

I gotta tell you i feel absolutely awful this morning!!

I reckon she must have had flu or something.

 

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I've got dementia
Cheese on toast

 

A piece of tarmac walked into a bar (bear with me on this)

He walked up to the barman and asked for a pint. The barman duly served him and the piece of tarmac took his beer and sat down in the corner reading the paper (as pieces of tarmac tend to do).

A little while later, a piece of RED tarmac entered the bar. He walked up to the barman and ordered a pint. The barman served him and the RED tarmac walked over to a different corner and took out his mobile phone.

After a while, the barman noticed the original piece of tarmac looking uneasy and quite agitated. He asked him what was the matter, to which the original piece of tarmac jumped up, knocking his pint over, and spluttered 'I can't stay here if you are serving that idiot - he's a CYCLEPATH' .........

 

I didn't believe it when my mum was sacked for stealing from her job as a lollipop lady, but when I got home all the signs were there....

 

My mate is losing it, he keeps knocking on his own front door and then goes round through the back door to answer it.......I don't think he knows what he's letting himself in for.

 

My English Teacher said that my 'grammar was ****'.........I said 'well your Grandad's a tw@t

 

Hope this is taken in the right way.......no racsim intented.

A chatty and amiable Asian fellow has moved in next door. He told me that he'd travelled the world over, swam with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains. It came as no surprise when he then introduced himself as Bin Dair Dundat.

 

Paddy comes home from work to find his wife propping up the washing on one side with 2 bricks. What the **** are you doing asks Paddy...

His wife replies "doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick bastard...!


I will also get my coat....

 

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives.

I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum

 

And finally, one of my all time personal favourites which always makes me laugh....

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did.

Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."


Thank you and good night..!