Joke Of The Day....

i asked a welsh mate of mine how many sexual partners he has had. bizarrely, he started counting and fell asleep

 

Here's my joke of the day:

Leeds United.

 

im not rating this bbc iplayer


it's full of repeats

 

Bloke goes to the Doctors and says 'Doc, every time I have a **** it looks like chips'
The doctor examines the patient and then asks him to turn around face the wall and drop his trousers.
After doing to the patient looks back over his shoulder and the Doctor is standing there with the biggest pair of scissors the guy has ever seen
**** me says the patient is my condition that bad ????
No says the Doctor I'm just going to cut a couple of inches off your string vest


Couple on their wedding night.
Groom says to bride 'there's a position I've always wanted to try and as we're now married I was wondering if we give it a go?'
'What is it says the bride'
'Its called the Wheelbarrow position says the groom and it's dead easy. Basically you put your hands on the floor and I lift up your legs and put them either side of my body and Bob's yer uncle'
'OK says the bride brightly, but only if you promise we won't go past my Mum's house'

 

Whats the differnce between an egg and a ****?



You can't beat a ****.

 

Murphy reaches the million pound question on Who Wants to be a Millionaire...

Tarrant reads the question..."Which of these birds do not live in their own nest? A. Sparrow B. Hawk C. Cuckoo or D. Swallow?"

Hmm says Murphy I'm no expert on birds so I'll have to phone my mate Paddy.

They phone Paddy..."Paddy, Paddy! I need your help for a million pounds!!" Murphy reads the question and the four answers. Paddys says "That's so easy it's a cuckoo! Are you sure that's for a million or £100!?"

Murphy goes with cuckoo and wins the million to become the first Irishman to win the jackpot. When he goes back to Ireland local tv follow Murphy to the local pub where he meets Paddy. "Paddy, Paddy here's 10 grand for helping me out", "I don't want you're money" replies Paddy, "You made us look stereotypically stupid on national tv. It was such an easy question that any idiot could have answered!"

"But I don't know anything about birds Paddy! How did you know the answer!?"

Paddys replies..."It's easy...everyone knows cuckoos live in clocks!!"

 

'You think you're well 'ard don't ya' said the 8 year old chav outside his primary school gates.

'I know I'm hard', the man replied, whilst clutching his binoculars.

 

what is six inches long and isn't getting sucked anymore?

jimmy saville's cigar.

 

excellent!!!!!

 

THE AFGHAN FOOTBALLER

the liverpool manager flies to kabul to watch a young afghani play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
2 weeks later, liverpool are 4-0 down to man utd. with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
the lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for liverpool.
the fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
when the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in english football.
"hello mum, guess what? i played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but i scored 5 and we won. everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me".
"wonderful, let me tell you about my day" says the mum.
"your father got shot in the street, your sister and i were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time".
the young lad is very upset. "what can i say mum, im really sorry".

"sorry?!!! sorry?!!!" says his mum.....

"its your bloody fault we came to liverpool in the first place!"

 

i just seen a great special offer on bags of irish horse manure ...

"buy 2 get a turd free"

 

What about the Irish liquor store that sells off out of date wine.

 

My kids bought me one of those racing snails for my birthday, I've been entering it in races but its not very good.

I have tried removing his shell to make him more streamlined but it hasn't worked.

To be honest he just looks even more sluggish.

 

Deleted cos wize had already done it

 

that is terrible

 

a recent survey found 1 in every 3 women are just a bloody stupid as the other 2.