Joke de Jour
- Thread starter Matster
- Start date
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Found this website list through meandering on the web:
http://inventorspot.com/articles/10_things_you_dont_need_995
the number oneon the third page is scary (the baby one was bad), then if you read the labels on the picture it becomes more disturbing...
http://inventorspot.com/articles/10_things_you_dont_need_995
the number oneon the third page is scary (the baby one was bad), then if you read the labels on the picture it becomes more disturbing...
saying of the pre season== we are going to walk this league--gas anon
saying of the season==we may not go up as champions gas anon
a true saying===we may not go up this year--gas anon
saying of the season==we may not go up as champions gas anon
a true saying===we may not go up this year--gas anon
2012 i see it all now
june--we are going to walk this league
september with our squad of 50 we should walk the league
october we may not go up as champions
november we may not go up and we are out of the cup
2013
january the shrews are doing well in L1
february buckle has brought in another 10 players
march this is serious- we are only 4 points from relegation
april we are going to walk that league next season
now where can wesell loan 50 players
gas anon.
june--we are going to walk this league
september with our squad of 50 we should walk the league
october we may not go up as champions
november we may not go up and we are out of the cup
2013
january the shrews are doing well in L1
february buckle has brought in another 10 players
march this is serious- we are only 4 points from relegation
april we are going to walk that league next season
now where can wesell loan 50 players
gas anon.
jack and betty swallocks were on holiday in barmouth, they were walking along the front when a huge seagull dumped on betty, tissues said betty, oh that seagull will be a long way away now!! said jack
*A gas fan is walking through the desert when he stumbles across a battered, golden lamp*
Gas Fan: It couldn't be, could it? Oh what the hell, I'll try it.
*And so he gives the lamp a rub. Sure enough, a genie pops out of the spout*
Genie: Greetings. I am the genie who was, but no longer is, in the lamp. I am here to give you three wishes, and I shall make them all come true. Off you go old chap - Shopping list please!
*The gas fan thinks for a moment, and comes up a first wish*
Gas Fan: O.K Genie, my first wish is that I could win the lottery next week. Actually, not the Lottery but the Euro millions, and in two weeks, on a rollover.
Genie: Your wish has been granted. Whatever numbers you pick shall make you rich. Next?
Gas Fan: Right, I've got this one. I would like, with my money, to form a record label and become a hugely succesful businessman AND singer, earning several million a year
Genie: No problems mate. Third wish now, but listen carefully. There is one catch: the third wish has to be for someone other than yourself
*The gas fan's face falls. He was hoping to assure himself of a long life by dropping his age back 10 years, but without losing any memories. However, he quickly thinks of a suitable use of his final wish*
Gas Fan: Right, I've got it. I'd like to use this wish for my sister. You see, she's an ugly one, and she's never going to get married. I'd like for her to become beautiful, and able to have any man she wants. Look, here's a picture of her."
*He takes out his wallet and shows the genie the picture of his sister*
Genie: Bloody hell matey, I may be a magic genie, but I'm not a miracle worker. Now, I don't usually do this, but I'll let you re-request your third wish
*The gas fan looks sad, but suddenly inspiration hits him*
Gas Fan: Alright then, can you make sure Bristol Rovers win the league this season please?
*There is a long pause*
Genie: Show me that picture again, will you?
Gas Fan: It couldn't be, could it? Oh what the hell, I'll try it.
*And so he gives the lamp a rub. Sure enough, a genie pops out of the spout*
Genie: Greetings. I am the genie who was, but no longer is, in the lamp. I am here to give you three wishes, and I shall make them all come true. Off you go old chap - Shopping list please!
*The gas fan thinks for a moment, and comes up a first wish*
Gas Fan: O.K Genie, my first wish is that I could win the lottery next week. Actually, not the Lottery but the Euro millions, and in two weeks, on a rollover.
Genie: Your wish has been granted. Whatever numbers you pick shall make you rich. Next?
Gas Fan: Right, I've got this one. I would like, with my money, to form a record label and become a hugely succesful businessman AND singer, earning several million a year
Genie: No problems mate. Third wish now, but listen carefully. There is one catch: the third wish has to be for someone other than yourself
*The gas fan's face falls. He was hoping to assure himself of a long life by dropping his age back 10 years, but without losing any memories. However, he quickly thinks of a suitable use of his final wish*
Gas Fan: Right, I've got it. I'd like to use this wish for my sister. You see, she's an ugly one, and she's never going to get married. I'd like for her to become beautiful, and able to have any man she wants. Look, here's a picture of her."
*He takes out his wallet and shows the genie the picture of his sister*
Genie: Bloody hell matey, I may be a magic genie, but I'm not a miracle worker. Now, I don't usually do this, but I'll let you re-request your third wish
*The gas fan looks sad, but suddenly inspiration hits him*
Gas Fan: Alright then, can you make sure Bristol Rovers win the league this season please?
*There is a long pause*
Genie: Show me that picture again, will you?
a young man walked into adams the chemist and said shyly to the young lady assistant, a packet of pyrex please, the girl replied surely you mean durex, the young man blushed and said no a packet of pyrex, she is a hot dish.
Found elsewhere, but the first one made me chuckle.
* My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
* The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
* Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
* I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , `These guys have lost the plot!'
* My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. `Blow this,' I thought. `I can get one cheaper off the web.'
* Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
* I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
* I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, `That guy's heading for a breakdown.'
* My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that? Luckily for him, I was still up playing my bagpipes.
* The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
* Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
* I went to the cemetery yesterday to put some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself , `These guys have lost the plot!'
* My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. `Blow this,' I thought. `I can get one cheaper off the web.'
* Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
* I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
* I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, `That guy's heading for a breakdown.'
col. hugh fforbes-mainwairing was in london visiting his brigade club, when he was accosted by corporal benson at reception. why colonel we don't see you that often, why no replied the colonel, i am a country remember, yes i remember whispered the corporal!!
aj - Your version is funnier! "I am a country remember" - inspired!!
The original reminds me of Stephen Fry's definition of "countryside" - the killing of Piers Morgan.
Saw a lovely tweet yesterday - "have they tried turning the economy off and turning it on again?"
The original reminds me of Stephen Fry's definition of "countryside" - the killing of Piers Morgan.
Saw a lovely tweet yesterday - "have they tried turning the economy off and turning it on again?"
sorry to sound an uneducated lummox, but can you enlighten me (and possibly others) on this piece of humour please?
the vital words are -country remember- and the reference to female genitalia. i think it is best described. i will go whilst i am losing. floreat salopia
old king nick had a six foot dick
and he showed it to the lady next door
she thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake
and now its only 2 foot four
and he showed it to the lady next door
she thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake
and now its only 2 foot four