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Joke Competition Wednesday!

Discussion in 'Newcastle United' started by TheJudeanPeoplesFront, Nov 30, 2011.

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  1. Warmir Pouchov

    Warmir Pouchov Better than JPF

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    I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy ****s a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl ****s just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
    So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a ****ty lock.
    That shut her up.
     
    #61
    Warmir Pouchov, Nov 30, 2011
  2. holystone

    holystone Active Member

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    Do not under any circumstances give up your day job! LOL
     
    #62
    holystone, Nov 30, 2011
  3. jimileysbaldhead

    jimileysbaldhead Well-Known Member

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    A bloke and his missus are getting ready to go to a fancy dress party.

    The bloke's dressed as a pirate and waiting impatiently at the bottom of the stairs for his wife...." Hurry up, it's time to go we'll be late "

    He hears sobbing from the bedroom so he goes upstairs, opens the door and she's sitting on the end of the bed, all 24 stone of her bawling her eyes out.

    " What's wrong with you he asks?"

    She sobs " I don't know what to go as, I've got nothing that fits me "

    He says " Why not pull your piss flaps over your head and go as a sugar puff "
     
    #63
    jimileysbaldhead, Nov 30, 2011
  4. Alfie

    Alfie Active Member

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    I phoned the Police the other day.
    "Police 999, what is the emergency?"
    "Two women are fighting over me!"
    "And? What's the problem?"
    "The ugly one's winning!"
     
    #64
    Alfie, Nov 30, 2011
  5. Cisse and Assist

    Cisse and Assist Member

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    My girlfriend complains of premature ejaculation. I can't help it she can't keep up!!
     
    #65
    Cisse and Assist, Nov 30, 2011
  6. DuD

    DuD Active Member

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    [video=youtube;FNatm2mBoqI]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNatm2mBoqI[/video]
     
    #66
    DuD, Nov 30, 2011
  7. StoneyNUFC

    StoneyNUFC Member

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    My wife finally agreed to anal after 15 years of marrage!... So chuffed. Oh, by the way, what's a strapon?
     
    #67
    StoneyNUFC, Nov 30, 2011
  8. atom heart mother

    atom heart mother Member

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    I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'
     
    #68
    atom heart mother, Nov 30, 2011
  9. biggeordiedave

    biggeordiedave Active Member

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    What do you call a man with a car on his head?

    JACK!

    <laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh>
     
    #69
    biggeordiedave, Nov 30, 2011
  10. overseasTOON

    overseasTOON Active Member

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    #70
    overseasTOON, Nov 30, 2011

  11. biggeordiedave

    biggeordiedave Active Member

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    #71
    biggeordiedave, Nov 30, 2011
  12. atom heart mother

    atom heart mother Member

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    Wife stuff...

    Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

    I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
     
    #72
    atom heart mother, Nov 30, 2011
  13. Quendo

    Quendo Member

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    Knock knock.

    Who's there?

    To.

    To who?

    To whom.
     
    #73
    Quendo, Nov 30, 2011
  14. Quendo

    Quendo Member

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    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    I have a gun,
    Get in the van.
     
    #74
    Quendo, Nov 30, 2011
  15. biggeordiedave

    biggeordiedave Active Member

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    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Some poems rhyme,
    But this one doesn't.
     
    #75
    biggeordiedave, Nov 30, 2011
  16. Somebodys pinched my sombrero

    Somebodys pinched my sombrero Well-Known Member

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    Just brought the Christmas tree and decorations down fron the loft and found a present I forgot to give them last year. ....... Shame, they would have loved a kitten.
     
    #76
    Somebodys pinched my sombrero, Nov 30, 2011
  17. Somebodys pinched my sombrero

    Somebodys pinched my sombrero Well-Known Member

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    I was sat on the bed last night, pulling off my boxers. The wife said, "please don't do that to the dogs."
     
    #77
    Somebodys pinched my sombrero, Nov 30, 2011
  18. Somebodys pinched my sombrero

    Somebodys pinched my sombrero Well-Known Member

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    My wife told me she wanted bigger tits and was thinking about a boob job. I asked her before she went into expensive surgery to try rubbing toilet paper between her cleavage. "Will that work?" she asked. I said, "Well it's worked on your f***ing arse hasn't it".
     
    #78
    Somebodys pinched my sombrero, Nov 30, 2011
  19. Somebodys pinched my sombrero

    Somebodys pinched my sombrero Well-Known Member

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    The Catholic church has stated it will allow the use of condoms in certain circumstances. For example, if an alter boy has diarrhoea.
     
    #79
    Somebodys pinched my sombrero, Nov 30, 2011
  20. Quendo

    Quendo Member

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    <laugh>
     
    #80
    Quendo, Nov 30, 2011
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