The Fifth Parrot Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet. Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeansand boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal . Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy . Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Mark can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect penis. Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot, Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people’s home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi went for a hike one very hot day. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, along came a group of ladies from town. The men ran for cover, with the minister and priest covering their privates and the rabbi covering his face. After the ladies were gone and the men had retrieved their clothes, the minister asked the rabbi why he covered his face and not his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don"t know about you, but in MY congregation, it"s my face they would recognize."
A guy and his girlfriend are out on saturday night in Glasgow, all smart ready for a night out together They get to the bar, order drinks and find a seat. The boyfriend gets his good lady settled and says "sweetheart I'm just off to the loo are you ok for a minute?" " yes " she says, so off he goes , Just at that moment a little Glasgow drunk comes over and says "darling I would love to see your tits , and I would love to see your fanny and turn you upside down fill it with lager and drink it", The poor girl doesen't know where to look and just then the boyfriend comes back and the littie drunk buggers off. Seeing his girlfriend a bit flustered he asks her whats wrong. "Oh nothing" says she "NO whats wrong?" "OH this wee guy wanted to feel my tits" "what guy?" he says "He said he wanted to see my fanny" At that the boyfriend goes off on one and starts taking his jacket off , "And he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with lager and drink it" she says. So he puts his jacket back on and sits down. She looks at him and says "what:s wrong with you?" "Well if he can drink that much lager, I'm not fighting with him..."
An Irishman man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, brother?" The drunk answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again – but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?”
Have you ever wondered about those people who pay a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards!
How the seasons work in the UK: Jan - Cold Feb – Still Cold Mar – Still cold but snow now Apr - Rain May – More rain Jun – Why is it still raining July - BEES Aug – Oh god it is so hot Sept – I miss the heat Oct – Heat is simply a memory Nov - Cold Dec – Cold but with capitalism
I realised my parents favoured my twin brother when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
