just asked my teenage son, "what work do you want to do ?" He said "either a plumber or a pizza delivery guy". I think I need to cancel my subscription to the porn channel!
A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned, ' Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does !
I went to the zoo the other day. As i was walking around I saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the zookeeper what it was and he said "bread in captivity".......
All I heard in my house this morning was, "Yeeeeees! It's snowing, I don't have to go to school! I can stay at home and watch TV all day." I wish my wife would take teaching more seriously.
In light of the recent events in Korea, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. The English are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Korea and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "**** Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!" and "The Barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
A tramp walks into a jewellers, puts his hands down his trousers and starts fingering his arsehole. The sales assistant shouts at him "Stop what you're doing and get out!" The tramp says "You want to make your f*cking minds up, you've a sign on the window says come inside and pick your ring in comfort."
Last night there was a talent show at our local club. One of the entrants was a gorgeous blonde female ventriloquist. You don't see many female ventriloquists. What was even more surprising was that she performed topless. She was really good. I didn't see her lips move once...
It's been snowing all night. So the morning goes like this:- 8:00 I made a snowman. 8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest. 8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf. 8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on. 8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Certainly, if it's up your a***" 8:45 TV news crew from the BBC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist. 8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being handcuffed and taken to the police station in a marked van. 9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. 9:29 A little-known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today!
