Cardiff City's Malaysian owners were being interviewed by a local reporter last night who asked "so how close do you think you now are from a really good team?" ....."about 40 miles" came the reply
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. [/FONT] The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . .. . . . ... So I just switched the heads.'
I was speaking to a Cardiff fan earlier who was excited as it's results day soon for his 16 year old daughter. He's hoping for a boy.
BBC News: "Man eaten by shark on honeymoon" Doctors have stated that he had already lost his life not long before.
[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.' [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]The water was only up to his chest. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Aye 'tis, [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]NOW hand me dat shovel.' [/FONT]
I've been looking for copies of the following books, but I'm not sure they exist. Do you think Amazon would help ? 40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont Glass Bikini by Seymore Skynn Yellow River by I. P. Freely Sex on the Beach by Sandy Shortz Bottom of the Cliff by Eileen Dover Ben Dover that wrote about "gay rights" I think Phill McCavity helped in the research. they also wrote a western adventure - I shot up the sheriff
A woman taking golf lessons just started her 1st round but was stung by a bee! She raced to the clubhouse and her tutor asked why she was back so soon. She told him of the sting. 'where did it sting you?' he asked. 'Between the 1st and 2nd hole' she replied. He nodded and said 'Then your feet are too far apart'..
Mum, I've got the biggest Penis at nursery school, is that cos I'm a big boy? Mum: No, it cos your 28 and ******ed. Now watch before you slabber your alphabeti-spaghetti down your new Bluebirds top..
The Liverpool manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.' 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day ⦠Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.' The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! .......... Sorry?!!!............... ' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'
A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an investigator out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!," demanded the investigator. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him â¬200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her â¬150 per week plus free room and board." "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about â¬10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to .................... the halfwit!" said the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.
An affluent American,on his first visit to Ireland,decided to hire a Jarvey to take him from the airport to his hotel. The Jarvey driver turned into the driveway of the hotel,but to the frustration of the passenger the driveway journey seemed to go on for ages. "Why is this driveway so long,buddy ?" "Well Sor",said the Driver."if it was any shorter it wouldn't reach the hotel!" please log in to view this image A jarvey or jaunting-car is a light two-wheeled carriage for a single horse, in its most common form with seats for two or four persons placed back to back, with the foot-boards projecting over the wheels. It was the typical conveyance for persons in Ireland at one time.
Our father, who art in prison, My mum knows not his name, Thy Riots come, Read it in the Sun, In Birmingham , as it is in London,. Give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, As we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, Lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, For mine is the teles, the Burberry & the Barcardi, Forever and ever... Inn'it!!
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pi**ed Off" to "Let's get the B'tards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose." Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level. -- John Cleese -- British writer, actor and tall person
A Glaswegian lad takes his girfriend home for the first time,he says "This is Amanda." His Dad jumps up, "It's a ****ing what?"
