"A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed."
A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, She asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor dear was several sandwiches short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her eccentric behavior, and some of them even joined in the fun. One day Ethel was speeding along one of the corridors when a man stepped out of one of the doorways with his arm outstretched: “Stop!” he said firmly. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, which she handed to him with a big smile. “OK,” he said, and off she went again. Taking the corner by the TV lounge on one wheel as usual, she found another man standing in the corridor in front of her. “Stop!” he said firmly, “Have you got a valid registration for that vehicle, madam?” Ethel dug into her handbag again and came up with a well-used beermat, which she presented for inspection. Whereupon she was sent on her way once more. Heading down the last corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. He was stark naked, and holding a sizable erection in one hand. “Oh, no,” cried Ethel, “Not the breathalyzer again!”
I went to Clarence house early today to give King Charles a haircut cut ahead of his official engagements. I said to the guard, "Can you let me in, I'm here to cut the Kings Hair". The guard said ," Have you got a Permit?". No, I said, just a bit off the back"
I sat next to a very obese monk on the bus. We got chatting and all he talked about was philosophy and theology. He was a deep fat friar.
HELP NEEDED URGENTLY !! Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on EBay? Yesterday I put in a bid for a cowboy outfit. And now I'm apparently 5 mins away from owning Man Utd..
The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names: ‘The tender one’ ‘The amazing one’ ‘Lady of my dreams’ She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother. Then she called the second number to which his sister replied. When she dialled the third number her own phone rang. She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so, she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it. Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend, whose name was saved as: ‘Uncle Mick the mechanic’
