A fat bird came smiling up to me in a nightclub, put her hand on my groin and said, "Have a guess what I want in my mouth tonight?" "I...I...I don't know?" I stuttered. "I'll give you a clue," she laughed, "It has four letters and begins with 'C'" "Oh, that's easy," I said, looking her up and down, "Cake."
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me." The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...and all these years you've been playing off the frickin' ladies' tees!"
A farmer had three beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first young man came to the door and said '' I'm Eddie, im here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?' " NO." The second boy came to the door and said ''I'm Joe. Im here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?" "NO". The third boy came to the door and said to the farmer ''hello my name is Chuck'' ....the farmer shot Chuck
A man was in a long line at his local Sainsbury’s store. As he got to the check out he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Checkout 5." The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the check out, he told the girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the check out for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Checkout 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the check out he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said... "Mop and bucket to Checkout 5
A old man walks into a McDonalds He is bent over and shuffling slowly.... He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae..... The cashier asks, "Crushed nuts".....? The old man replies, "No arthritis"....!!!
Erik ten Hag walks into a bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms, could you please cash this cheque for me?" Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?" Ten Hag: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Erik ten Hag, Manager of Manchester United”. Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Ten Hag: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am." Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Hag but these are the bank rules and I must follow them." Ten Hag: "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque." Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque." "Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?" Erik stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue." Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Ten Hag?”
Just had a copper knock on the door saying that he was looking for a man with one eye. I said “Try using both, you'll probably find him quicker...”
