JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, Im not a virgin."

The husband replies, "Thats no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, Ive been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, hes rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "Im hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldnt do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"Hed come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "Im still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldnt do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"Hed come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish hes tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! Im calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

Imagine these advertisements being used these days, however, some good tips on what to buy the lady in your life

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Before Diet Coke there was Diet Smoke

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Dr Batty---A marketing genius name

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Probably because your bathing suit was way out of style

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OMG—The pain of dialing

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Nothing says”Merry Xmas’ like a Hoover

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Probably, but can she get it to pour?

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Never once thought of Coke as a brain tonic but rum and coke,yeah

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I want the recipe !!

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This is so cool but probably ahead of its time

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I always thought they were one size fits all

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Schlitz—Helping to keep your marriage together

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All for a Tin of Paint...

A newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at B&Q anymore, either."

 

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When your cat is plotting to kill you but your dog is trying to warn you

 

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Just a word of warning

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: when you buy your copies of The Mail, be careful not to look at any of the pages ESPECIALLY the crossword! We've had reliable information that people have bought @DailyMailUK for the crossword and have ended up becoming Nazis.

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