JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

A man was dining alone in a fancy
restaurant and there was a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He had
been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacked the nerve to talk with her.********************Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye
came flying out of its socket towards the
man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me
buy your dinner to make it up to you.'**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.*************************After paying for everything, she asked him
if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.************************The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!*************************'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..








She said ... .....:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng
2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle
3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle
4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz
5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field
6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons
7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin
8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne
9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel
10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King
11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes
12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff
13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang
14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess
15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

 

I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

 

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9:30am and the office fat-bird is on her 4th can of coke. She says obesity runs in her family, I said "No love, nobody runs in your family"

 

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Two Irish fishermen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6.


As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.


"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.


However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived
the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,


"Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied,


"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed lastyear."

 

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A lone sniper was just about to assassinate Donald Trump.
Just at the last moment, one of the President's bodyguards spotted him. He immediately shouted "Mickey Mouse! Mickey Mouse!"
A shot rang out and Trump fell dead.
As his aides gathered round the body, one of them asked the bodyguard why he had shouted, "Mickey Mouse"
'I'm sorry" he said, "I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"

 

I have now been asked so many times if I remember where I was when Diana died that I'm beginning to think I'm a suspect."

 

Just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in morse code.

 

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Check out @MrAlfredGarnett’s Tweet:

 

I was their guide , both times

 

Did you hear about the Biafran who fell into an alligator swamp ? .... Ate six before they could haul him out !