A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. If you keep this up you might live forever! You have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer". The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said "You mean to tell me you are 60years old and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that" said the patient "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again". The doctor said "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said "Did I say he wanted to?"
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself. So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says ' wow it wasn't that creased in the shop'
Married Six Times please log in to view this image A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 6 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married six times.?" "Well, husband No. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.” "Husband No. 2 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.” "Husband No. 3 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.” "Husband No. 4 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.” "Husband No. 5 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.” "Husband No. 6 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............... God I miss him!” "But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.” "Wonderful" said the husband, "but why me?” "You're with the “GOVERNMENT"................... This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!!" please log in to view this image please log in to view this image
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing. The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway? So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda. Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size. But she warned Linda not to taste any of the green persimmons because they are so sour they would make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the priest climbed into the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday"
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?" "Mrs. Samuels, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Samuels, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Samuels arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Samuels asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Samuels. "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for one of these expensive tests." ''Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The folks at Alberta Health recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home. She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird **** and you can't understand a word they say." So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.
Father Flynn had been parish priest at St Monica's for over fifteen years and boasted that he knew all his parishioners by the sound of their voices. So he was a little miffed when he was hearing confessions one Saturday morning and realised there was a person talking whose voice he couldn't place. 'Are you a stranger here?' asked the priest through the confessional screen. 'Yes, Father,' said the voice. 'I'm touring with the circus that came into town yesterday.' 'I see,' said the priest. 'And what do you do in the circus?' 'I'm an acrobat,' said the stranger. 'Bejesus, I'd like to see you work,' said Father Flynn, 'but I'll be too busy to come to the show.' 'No problem,' said the acrobat. 'I can do a few things now if you have the time.' Out came the priest from the confessional box and he sat in a pew watching the circus performer do handstands, flick flacks, somersaults and multifarious contortions. As this was going on, Biddie Murphy rushed out of church saying to herself: 'If that's the sort of penance he's giving, I'm going to change me underwear!'
My cars fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another one.....luckily my wife was with me and wearing tights so I knew how to fix the problem..... I put them on my head and robbed Halfords....
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish. The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
