Said to the wife that I was getting fed up of finishing crosswords to quickly . She said " try not to get two down."
please log in to view this image Gareth Bale: “Chris Waddle will never score a penalty at a World Cup”
Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby. The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!"
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters "Too f*cking late pal! - I've already done the paperwork
A man takes his sick dog to the vets The vet takes them into a back room A Labrador comes in and sniff’s the dog for ten mins then leaves A cat the comes in and looks at the dog for ten mins then leaves Finally the vet gives him some medicine and gives him a £250 bill The man says there must be a mistake I’ve been here 20 mins and you charge me £250 No mistake says the vet £100 for the lab test £100 for the cat scan and £50 for the medication
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.
