THE IRISH PROSTITUTE An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years, and upon her return, her dad cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mam through?' The girl, crying, replied 'Dad . . . . I became a prostitute.' 'Ye what !? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot ! Sinner ! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'Okay, Dad . . . . as ye wish. I only came back to give Mam this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a ten bedroom mansion, and a 5 million euros savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside and membership to the country club (takes a breath) and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.' 'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.' 'Oh, my goodness. Ye scared me half to death, girl ! I thought ye said a Protestant ! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug'
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing!" The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady said, "Well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned "Well when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well they always search for the black box first?"
Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV. The Man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a while of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door, they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation. He tells them that he's studying medicine and not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow. Lo and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down and relax. "So" says the wife, "What do you think he'll become after he finishes school . . . . a General Practitioner or a Surgeon ?" "Well" says the man, rubbing his nose "By the smell of his fingers I guess that he's likely to become a gynaecologist."
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.” The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, six children, two under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
A married couple were getting ready for work when he looked at her and said, "I gotta have you! Now!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and had his way. He was glad that he did, because she screamed and wiggled more than he'd ever noticed before. As he dressed, he noticed that his wife was still writhing against the door. He said, "Honey, that was the best! You have never moved like that before. I didn't hurt you, did I?" She replied, "No. I'll be okay as soon as I get this doorknob out of my arse!"
