The midget human cannonball missed his target. He split the siamese twins in two and ended up landing on the bearded lady killing them all in the process. It was a freak accident.
my new girlfriend said to me that she wanted to wait six months until she gave me a blow job, so i said i totally respected her decision and i will give her a call then! The floor is yours.[/SIZE][/B] [/QUOTE]
my new girlfriend said to me that she wanted to wait six months before she gave me a blow job, i said i totally respected her decision and i will give her a call then!
Not sure of the authenticity of this but it`s probably true The Lord's Prayer contains 69 words, The Ten Commandments 297 words, the American declaration of Independence 310 words ; BUT the European Directive on exporting duck eggs runs to 28,911 words. Bless them.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech... ... in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an earlier phrase, but also play on the double meaning. Some examples. * I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. * Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. * I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. * Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. * Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. * If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. * We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. * War does not determine who is right - only who is left. * Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. * The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. * Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. * A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. * How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a camp fire? * Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. * A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. * Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify..." I put "DOCTOR". * I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. * Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? * Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? * Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. * The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! * Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. * A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. * Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. * Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. * There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. * I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. * I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila. * When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water. * You're never too old to learn something stupid. * Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. * Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. * A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. * If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child? ⢠Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
A little girl asked Dad"How did human beings appear?" He replied"God made Adam&Eve... n they had children.. .. n mankind was made" She asked mother n got reply"humans evolved from monkeys" Girl confused n asked dad why both the answers r different? Dad :"It is simple dear! I told you about my side of family and mom about her side": Read my horoscope yesterday said i was cumin in 2 money i ended up shaggin a girl called penny My wife's been complaining for hours about toothache. She's been going on and on about the pain, and how much she's afraid of the dentist.I'd had enough, so I got a pair of pliers, stood on her forehead and yanked the ****er out.Let's see how much moaning she can do without a tongue.
Truths For Mature Adults 1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died. 9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. 12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again. 13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to. 14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. 15. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. 16. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. 17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters! 19. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever. 20. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 21. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time! 22. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
A soldier stood at the pearly gate His face was scarred and old He stood before the man of fate For admission to the fold. "What have you done?" St. Peter asked "To gain admission here?" "I’ve been a soldier, sir," he said "For many, many long year" The pearly gate swung open wide As St Peter touched the bell. "Come inside and choose your harp" "You’ve had your share of hell" Anon
A New Mouse for Women After years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse supplied with PCs. Scientists found that there is no physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a Psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse 'just didn't feel right in their hands. Based on the research,a new mouse has been designed especially for women. Various field tests have been carried out on the new design: Julie from Hounslow said:- 'It feels so much better. More comfortable, more like how it's supposed to be.' Susan from Chelmsford added:- 'I think mice were originally designed just for men, but this new type is definitely made for women. It fits right in with my lifestyle.' Hillary from Kent said:- 'I took to it like a duck to water, every woman should have one!' Sally from London said: â " It feels so natural. " Remember to renew your mouse battery from time to time, else it dies on you...
if the mad gunman in Oslo has taught us anything its that Derek Bird and Raoul Moat really wernt pulling thier weight. Amy Winehouse arrives at the pearly gates. she was greeted by Diana. Amy asks Diana "why are you wearing a black halo" Diana replys " are you ****ing tripping? thats the ****ing steering wheel.
Amy Winehouse dead in her flat.Police found Pete Docherty at the scene sniffing her crack. What's the difference between Amy Winehouse & Jack Daniels ? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke . In a failed attempt to help Amy Winehouse before she died, not even Gavin from Autoglass could fix her crack problem...!!
Kids written test answers 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF. 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS. 3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS. 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LE! D ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH. 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES. 7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS. 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS. 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE. 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY. 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL. 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM. 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES. 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
Here's some more: 1. A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fa..y on her wedding night. So, she decided to tell her husband that she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her, he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught". 2. Wife says to her husband "You only ever want sex with me when you're drunk". Husband replies "That's not true.....sometimes I want a kebab". 3. A young Arab asks his father: - What is this weird hat we are wearing? Dad: Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun! Son: What is this type of clothing that we are wearing? Dad: It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!. Son: And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet? Dad: These are 'babouches', which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert! Son: Tell me, papa? - Yes my son ....... Then, why are we living in Bradford? 4. My son asked me today what was the difference between a crow and a blackbird. I told him that crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails. A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive ar.e!!!!! 5. After no dates or sex for 5 years, a woman goes to see the Chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang. He says, "Harro! Peese take off all u crose, get down n craw reery reery fast to ovva side of room" The woman does this. "OK, u craw reery reery fast back" As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Yew probrem vewy bewy bad, worse case od Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man. " Oh my God, what is Ed Zachary disease" she says. Dr Chand say "It is when u face rook Ed Zachary like u rarse 6. Sky news report The Irish have just joined in the attack on Libya. Thay have sent in 3 ships, 2 full of sand and 1 full of cement. It was meant to be a mortar attack. 7. The missus asked me the other night if she pleaseed me in bed? I said "Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth"........ "What trick" she asked. "The one where you shut up and go to sleep". 8 A man approaches a young woman in a shop, he says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes"? The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is"? "Not a clue" he says, " but whenever I talk to a woman with big t!ts like yours, she soon appears out of nowhere"!!!
