Paddy says to Mick, "I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me."
I went to see the Red Arrows last weekend. There was near miss after near miss, screams of "oooooohhh" and "aaaaaaahhhhh" But eventually my wife managed to park the car and we saw the show.
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY: 1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements So what's so hard about that? HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY: It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be: 1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a plumber 10. a mechanic 11. a carpenter 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist 15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer 22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic 26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant 36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous 40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 44. give her compliments regularly 45. go shopping with her 46. be honest 47. be very rich 48. not stress her out 49. not look at other girls AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO: 50. give her lots of attention 51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: 53. never forget *birthdays *anniversaries *valentine *arrangements she makes
A deaf mute man is working his way up in the Triads and finally gets the job of collecting "protection" money on a small patch in China Town. After a few weeks though he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Triad bosses however soon realise that they are short by about 40,000 and send their best enforcer to sort it out. He finds the deaf mute collector and asks him where the money is, but they can"t communicate so the enforcer drags the guy to one of the poor restaurant owners who he knew could use sign language. "Ask him where the money is." The restaurant owner signs to the man who"d been terrorising the neighbourhood for weeks "Where"s the money?" The deaf mute replies, "I don"t know what you"re talking about." The interpreter tells the enforcer this, who immediately pulls out a gun and points in the collector"s mouth. "NOW ask him where the money is." The terrified deaf-mute signs back, "The 40,000 is in deposit box 542 at Paddington Station and the key is in the glove compartment of my car." The restaurant owner says to the Triad, "He says he still doesn"t know what you"re talking about, doesn"t think you have the balls to pull the trigger, and your mother sucks cock for money."
There is a massive tailback on the M6 and a lorry driver caught up in it asks a man, who happens to be walking along the line of traffic, "what the hell is going on?" The man replies, "haven"t you heard? Terrorists have captured the bus carrying the Liverpool team and are threatening to torch the bus if their demands aren"t met. So I"ve organized a whip-round." "How much is everyone giving?" askes the lorry driver. "About a gallon each," replies the man.
CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA … The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its demise due to global warming. please log in to view this image please log in to view this image Bowing to the dictates of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer. please log in to view this image The coin will now be called: “Twofuckin’ bucks!"
William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear range. In hindsight "Shatner Knickers" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a *****lian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub... The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.
Bear Grylls is set to bring out a range of alcoholic drinks, but it won't work. Fosters already have the lager that tastes of piss market covered!
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
Ireland"s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging goes on into the night.
Got stopped by a bloke the other day who asked me if a knew if there was a B&Q in Wallsall, I said don"t ask me mate a can"t fu*king spell.
My wife hates it when I snore. Especially while we're having sex. After I rolled over and went to sleep straight after sex, my wife angrily woke me asking if I had forgotten something.............she was quite right, I hadn't farted yet... I was walking in London the other day & it started raining. I took shelter in a peekaboo sex shop! I paid £50 & was confronted by 3 doors reading blonde, brunette or black! I chose blonde only 2 be confronted by more doors reading small tits, medium tits or big tits! I chose big tits only 2 be confronted by yet more doors! they read small c--t, large c--t or wet c--t! I chose wet c--t & found myself back outside in the ****ing rain. please log in to view this image My Doctor is right down to earth. I went to see him with a sore stomach and he asked "Do you have bloody stools?" "Yes," i replied "And a ****ing breakfast bar!!. My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I said I wanna watch. Got a lovely tag heur, but I think they misunderstood what I was asking for.
