I’ve been offered a job by the MD of “the brittle bone society” £1000 per week plus expenses… I snapped his fuc*ing hand off...
I asked my wife what women really wanted. She said 'attentive lovers'. Or ' a tent of lovers', or something. I wasn't really listening.
An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession. Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies. “So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused. The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him: "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the bartender. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?" "Yeah!" the bartender replies. "With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck. "Of course," the bartender replies. "And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer?”
The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival has been cancelled. Organisers were unable to agree if The Jam or Cream should go on first!
One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "£80" the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60." "Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20." "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday
My wife turned to me during her mother's funeral today and hissed under her breath, "When we get home later, I'm going to make you flipping pay for this!" This just came out of the blue For the life of me I couldn't think of what I had done to annoy her so much Then it struck me.... Maybe it's because I wasn't sharing my popcorn......
A soldier who was renting a house from me has done a runner owing me six months rent. He told me he was a General, but I’ve since discovered he’s a Left Tenant.
