Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "****e, there's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy asks, "What was his name?" Mick replies, "Miles from London."
So this fella was showing his mate his new golf ball. He said, "This golf ball is state of the art!" "You just can't lose this ball, if it goes in the rough it beeps, it glows in the dark, it floats in water and has an inbuilt G.P.S.." His mate asked, "Where did you get it from?" He said, "I Found it".
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at River Hill Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.' The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.' After a very considerable inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
I went into my local pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The man said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I'm not fussed what star sign it is really"
An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. "Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now,the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh, that's nothin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."
There were two gay men in the bathroom at their home, and one was putting Vaseline on his chest. The other gay man asked him, “Why are you putting Vaseline on your chest?” The first gay man replied, “Didn’t you know that Vaseline helps you grow hair on your chest?” The other gay man said, “Well if that was a proven fact, then you should have a ponytail growing out of your ass!”
