A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees: "I don't want to know." The child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asks. “What's wrong?” "Oh, dad." The boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the "There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really fu*k, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Two Swedes, Sven & Ole, walk into a pet shop. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop, get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie yumping is too dangerous for me." VAIT!!! Dere's MORE! Moments later Knute arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop, too, and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says.. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either." BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!! Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag, out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head. "First der was Sven with his budgie yumping, den Knute parrotshooting ..and now Lars, hengliding ......"
Was in Wakefield over the weekend, came out of the pub and there was a scrounger sat on the floor dog by his side, blanket over him. He asked us both "Got any change for food" mate said KNOCK KNOCK, vagrant said....... who's there!! mate said.... thought you were fkg homeless
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
This woman owned two Dachshunds, a male and a female. A friend of hers calls one day and says, "How do you keep him away from her when she's in heat?" "Oh that's not a problem" she says, "When I go out, I put the female upstairs." "And does that do the trick?" asks her friend. "Well," she says, "Have you ever seen a Dachshund go upstairs with a hard on?"
Having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Lancashire scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, a Cumbrian archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Windermere Times : "Cumbrian archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than Lancashire ". One week later, the Liverpool echo reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in longley lane Toxteth , Amos Thwaite, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger all..........and has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, Merseyside had already gone wireless."
A Jordanesq type, was worried about the amount of dents in her car, so she took it to her local garage. The mechanic thought he’d have a bit off fun and told her she could solve the problem herself by blowing up the exhaust pipe. Thanking the mechanic for saving her money; she returned home to set about removing the dents. She was smart enough to let the pipe cool down before performing the task. When it was cool enough, she got her lips round it and started to blow for all she was worth. After a time, her blonde neighbour come out and asked her what she was doing. “I’m blowin’ the dents outa ov the body aint I.” She informed her neighbour. “Don’t be stupid!” said the blonde neighbour. “You’re supposed to wind the windows up first, else it won’t work will it!”
