I got fired from the hospital for stealing neck braces. At least I could leave with my head held high...
Husband has always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light and finds the husband holding a vibrator. she goes ballistic, “you impotent bastard, how could you lie to me all these years?!” Husband looks her straight in the eyes and says “I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids.”
Me and the missus were arguing about the size of tits. I’m telling her that it doesn’t matter, and she says that it does. Long story short I start my new diet tomorrow
So this fella had been working at a building site. Every day, he walked off site with his wheelbarrow, and 'Security' checked that it was empty before he left. After 6 months the end his contract, he walked out without his wheelbarrow. 'Security' stopped him and said: "Come on, I just know that you've been nicking something. What was it?" "Wheelbarrows" came the reply.
I got drunk the other night and ended up shagging a fat bird. The next morning I said, "Here, if you want to see me again, ring this number." She said, "Aawww, men don't usually give me their numbers." I said, "It's not mine, it's ****ing Weight Watchers!"
