A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbour? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? NIGELLA LAWSON?!"
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times." "When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side." "You know what?" "What, dear?" his wife asked gently. "I think you are bad luck."
To celebrate the start of the six nations. Two 90 year old Welshmen, Dai and Ianto, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Dai is dying, Ianto visits him every day. One day Ianto says, "Dai, we have both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there." Dai looks up at Ianto from his death bed, "Butty boy, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Dai passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Ianto is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Ianto -- Ianto." "Who is it?" asks Ianto sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Ianto--it's me, Dai." "You're not Dai, he just died." "I'm telling you, it is me," insists the voice. "Dai mun! Where are you?" "In heaven," replies Dai. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first" says Ianto. Dai replies. "The good news is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," says Ianto. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're in the team for this Saturday."
The winner of last night's Euro millions £107 million pound draw, say they plan to put their windfall towards paying their gas & electricity bill.
