When I look at the moon, I see you, When I look at the stars, I see you, When I look at the sea, I see you, Move out my fcuking way you fat bitch!.........
I'm in hospital, but don't Panic!.......... I ate what I thought was an onion, but it was a daffodill bulb! Doctors say I'll be out in the Spring.
I was about to cross a road when this really fat old woman screamed at me from the other side, "please, young man, can you see me across the road?" I shouted back, "I could see you a fcuking hundred yards back!"
One morning a secretary says to her boss " Hey boss, have you ever rubbed vaseline into your cock ? " The boss nearly chokes on his coffee and says " Why on earth do you ask that ? " She says " Well I had a chapped lip yesterday and today it"s gone "
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And I"ve decided to give your wife 775 pounds a week." "That"s very fair, your honour." the husband said. "And every now and then I"ll try to send her a few quid myself !".
A Chinese man decides to move to england. He buys a small piece of land near Stoke. A few days after moving in the friendly english neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum. The english bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, '**** Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about **** on you.' The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Solly sir, you no understand. These not Chinese customs I doing, these English customs.'' What do you mean, mate?” says the English “Those aren't English customs.” "Yes, are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel agent man say to become true English man, I MUST LEARN TO CHASE CHICKS, DRINK PISS AND LISTEN TO BULL ****."..
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
A Chinese man decides to move to england. He buys a small piece of land near Stoke. A few days after moving in the friendly english neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt any Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it Not wanting to interrupt another Chinese custom he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put an ear next to the bull's bum. The english bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says, '**** Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's arse, it could just about crap on you.' The Chinese man is very taken back and says, 'Solly sir, you no understand. These not Chinese customs I doing, these English customs.'' What do you mean, mate?” says the English man - “Those aren't English customs.” "Yes, are," replied the Chinese man. "Travel agent man say to become true English man, I MUST LEARN TO CHASE CHICKS, DRINK PISS AND LISTEN TO BULL SH*T"....
If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what do you put on a thick prick? a Cardiff City shirt.........
A bloke pulls a Chinese lass at a club. She say "me so horny, me do anythin for you" Bloke says "how a bout a 69?" She says "you fcuk off, me no cooking at this time of night!"
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?” Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?” Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.” Donald has just moved into the White House
BREAKING NEWS: In a last ditch attempt to save their season, Liverpool have dug up the pitch to plant potatoes. That way they'll have something to lift in May......
Murphy asks Paddy "Why are you talking into dat dere envelope ?" Paddy replies "I'm sending a voice mail, yer feckin eejit !"
My wife asked me to pass her Lip Balm, instead, I gave her Super Glue by mistake. She's still not talking to me......
was having a pretty big crap last night and at the highest point of struggle to drop it out, my wife accidentally turned off the light in the toilet. Immediately I started to scream like crazy, she turned it back on and asked through the door "what's the matter, are you alright"? With a huge relief, I replied: "Nothing, I'm fine, I just thought my eyes had popped out"..
I used to hate weddings. All the old dears would poke me and say, "you"re next." They soon stopped when I started saying the same to them at funerals.
