JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

please log in to view this image

 

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'...!
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar ...
'HE LIVES IN A HOME, WITH MY NON-STOP CHATTING AND NAGGING WIFE, HE'S TRYING TO CATCH UP ON HIS SLEEP .. CAN I COME WITH HIM TOMORROW ....???'

 

I just saw a bloke running down the road with a cape on...
I shouted: "Are you a Superhero...?"
He said: "No, I haven't paid for my haircut...!!!"

 

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes sports with a coat hanger.
They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't!
The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath.
The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I got home from the beach and ate 10 yoghurts.

I’m absolutely Mullered now!

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push.
She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through.
She was horrified.
"Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth, isn't that right, nurse?"
"Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."

 

please log in to view this image

 

A man was in a queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realised that he'd forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:
She asked. "What size condoms?"
The customer said that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."
The next man in line thought that this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the checkout, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he said that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy, who thought that what he had seen was so cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, and he thought "this is my chance."
When he got to the checkout he told the girl that he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....
"Mop and bucket, till 5."