JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

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My wife just asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl?

I said “To be honest, I didn’t even know he played cricket”.

 

The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.

 

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Why men shouldn't be Agony aunts:-

Dear Phil
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to my house and found my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter..
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate.

Dear Reader
The most common cause of vehicles breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. Hope this helps.
Phil.

 

I was telling my mate that when me and the Mrs have an argument she starts getting historical.

He replied "dont you mean hysterical? "

I said "no historical, she starts bringing up the past!"

 

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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

 

So this bloke staggers exhausted into his house.
"What's wrong with you?" asks his wife.
"I thought I'd save my £2 bus fare by running behind the bus" gasps the man.
"You idiot" says his wife.
"If you'd run home behind a taxi you could've saved £15!"

 

So an expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.
"How's it going?" he asked.
"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

 

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