JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    Today i found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in.

    Now she has made a formal complaint and I've been banned from the gym.
     
    #1081
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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Scientists have found that more & more woman are developing "Hoover disease"
    After years of marriage they begin to make a continuous whining noise & dont suck any more !
     
    #1082
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1083
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    During my wife's labour, the nurse came up to us and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?"

    I said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name."
     
    #1084
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times a year.

    Looks like I'm in store for a wild December.....
     
    #1085
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    A girl invites her boyfriend over for dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner she wants to have sex with him for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but nervous because he's a virgin.

    So off he goes to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist his situation and asks for advice. The pharmacist tells him everything there is to know about sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack or a 10-pack. The boy says he feels lucky and insists on the 10-pack.

    That night, the boy shows up for dinner a little late. His girlfriend meets him at the door leads him straight to the dinner table where her parents are already seated. The boy sits down, quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

    A minute passes, and the boy is still silent with his head down. Five minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 10 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boy, "I had no idea you were this religious". The boy turns and whispers back "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
     
    #1086
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  7. seabreeze

    seabreeze Well-Known Member

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    A guy wanted to become an honorary eskimo and to do so he had to pass 3 tests.... 1- he had to capture 4 seals in an hour ...2- he had to make love to an eskimo girl.3- he had to wrestle a polar bear . He barely captured the 4 seals in time and set out for his 2nd task , a few hours later he came back all chewed to sh1t and bleeding like crazy and says .." OK , Where's that Eskimo girl I have to wrestle "
     
    #1087
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

    The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.

    During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

    Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It hurts, doesn't it?
     
    #1088
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  9. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.
    Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
    One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
    They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
    Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony.. 'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
    Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
    'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
    Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked. That's the best part, 'St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
    'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
    'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
    'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
    'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
    Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes.
    We could have been here ten years ago!'
     
    #1089
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    A little lad in a Welsh primary school gets to take his pet kittens into class.
    The teacher says to him, "they are very nice, what do they like to do?"
    The little lad replies, "they like to watch Cardiff City, miss.
    "Teacher; "ah, that"s real cute"
    A few weeks later, she asks the little lad what his kittens are up to.
    He replies, "they are watching Swansea, miss."
    The teacher says, "but I thought you said they were Cardiff fans?"
    "They were, miss, but now their eyes have opened!"
     
    #1090

  11. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

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    Like that Wooperts!! :)
     
    #1091
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    please log in to view this image
     
    #1092
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    I pulled a Gypsy Girl last night.

    She asked me did I want to go back to hers for a good time.

    She wasn't ****ing kidding either, I went on the Dodgems, Waltzers, Ghost Train and I actually came home with a ****ing Goldfish...
     
    #1093
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    A guy has a bad cycling accident that results in him losing his penis, after finally being released from hospital and deciding that he badly missed his old friend he decided to go and see a consultant surgeon who specializes in gender adjustment.
    The surgeon looked at him and said, “wow! the damage here is pretty bad I’m not sure that we can do the normal procedure”
    When the man started to cry uncontrollably the surgeon said “Wait my friend there is possibly something we can do, I have been experimenting with a new procedure of grafting parts from different animals on to humans and I think I can do something for you”
    The man says “I’ll try anything Doc, my wife is threatening me with divorce.
    The Surgeon says “Ok, for this procedure we will initially try to graft a baby elephant’s trunk in place of your penis, it won’t look too odd and in this case it is not too big, maybe 15 inches.”
    The man agrees to give it a try and undergoes the procedure, 2 months after the operation he returns to the surgery for a check-up and the surgeon asks him how things have been.
    The man says “Well I can tell you that the wife loves it, it works wonderfully well, I can pass urine and it is really sensitive on the tip if you know what I mean”
    “Great” said the surgeon, “is there nothing negative?”
    “Well, just one thing doc, every time I go to the bakery it tries to shove buns up my arse”
     
    #1094
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    A Chelsea fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
    All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.
    The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
    By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
    As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It"s my first wife"s birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
    The Chelsea fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
    This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
    The Chelsea fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
    The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my shirt"
    But even two pillows & 1 shirt could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
    The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
    "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
    "Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies.
    "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
    "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face.
    "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
    "Please tie the Scouser to my back."
     
    #1095
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  16. seabreeze

    seabreeze Well-Known Member

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    Did you here the one about Swansea ? ... they won today !!
     
    #1096
  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

    When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

    Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
     
    #1097
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member

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    THE PENIS ASKS FOR A PAY RISE:

    I here by request a pay rise because I do physical labour at great depths. I don't get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a wet environment in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

    Yours sincerely,
    Mr. P. Niss.

    Response:

    After considering your request and the arguments raised we reject it for the following reasons:
    You need to be stimulated into starting work. You are part time and fall asleep after brief work periods. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift and you don't observe safety rules such as protective clothing. You can't work double shifts and you often dribble.

    Yours sincerely,
    Ms. V. Gina
     
    #1098
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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

    The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them:“It'sa illegal to putta 5 people in a Quattro.”

    "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

    "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

    "Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers. Ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."

    "You canta pulla thata one on me-aa!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and thereforea you arra breaking da law.”

    The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"

    “Sorry." responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He's a busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
     
    #1099
  20. seabreeze

    seabreeze Well-Known Member

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    How can you tell when a girl from Cardiff is on her period ?......She only has one sock on .
     
    #1100
: like kiwi

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