JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

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So I was working on a building site and the delivery driver said, 'Why won't you sign for these elevators?'

I said 'I'm not allowed to accept lifts off strangers'.

 

A guy in a pub sold me a rare, antique map of the Sahara Desert for only £20 last night....

This morning when I sobered up I realised that it was a sheet of sandpaper...

 

“I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”

 

As I got out on the 11th floor, the lift operator said "Have a good day, son".
"Don't call me son. You are not my dad", I replied sarcastically.
As the doors closed, he looked me in the eye and said "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?

 

A man is out playing golf and having the game of his life. He had just completed the first nine holes and had just shot 3 under par when his phone rings.
The voice on the phone says, “Is this Mr. Richardson?”
“Yes,” he replies.
“Mr. Richardson, your wife has been involved in a terrible accident and is in intensive care in St Mary’s Hospital. When you get here please ask for Dr. Conrad”
The man thinks about it and after much deliberation, decides to finish his round of golf. He ends up shooting 7 under par, his best round ever and rushes off to the hospital.
When he gets there he asks for Dr. Conrad, who approaches him with a quizzical look on his face.
He asks “Why did you take so long to get here Mr. Richardson? You finished your game of golf, didn’t you?”
The man breaks down and admits he did.
“Well,” says Dr. Conrad “your wife has a collapsed lung, a ruptured sternum, and 4 crushed vertebrae. She is completely paralysed, and she is going to need constant care, all day, every day. You are going to have to feed her, bathe her three times a day to prevent bedsores and she will need to be moved every two hours also to prevent bedsores. She will have no control of her bowels and will urinate and defecate which needs to be cleaned immediately to prevent infection. I hope you’re proud of yourself”
Upon hearing this, the man collapses to the floor with tears streaming down his cheeks.
The doctor says “I’m just kidding…she’s dead! What did you shoot...?”

 

I went into my local pub with my mate for the first time in over a year last weekend
I said to him "The great thing about being back in this bar is being able to see the shores"
Him: "What shores?"
Me: "Oh, mines's a pint - thanks very much!"

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Does anyone know what the Knights in White actually satin ?

 

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