After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table, and getting violently ****ed up the arse. Sometimes, I think my mate Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously!
2+2+2=7 You gotta love him! Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: No, listen carefully...If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Seven!!! SIR! A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!? A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a ****in ' cat!!!
How did the first Newfoundlander get to Ontario in Canada ? . He was playing Hockey on the Frozen St Lawrence River and got a breakawawy ...
Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball, and a sheeps penis last night. Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's better known.
A woman takes her 18-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?" Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Your Flight will non-stop from London Heathrow to Shannon, Ireland . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH,FECK OH MY FECK !!!!!!!!!' ...Silence followed! ... Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' One Irish passenger yelled... 'For feck's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!.
My wife has diarrhea all the time it seems , so finally I said to her the other day" Listen Flo , time to see the Doc about it "
Was going to take my wife to the shrink the other day because she thought she was a chicken but didn't because we needed the eggs . Finally had to take her because she thought she was a fridge and when she slept with her mouth open at night the light would keep me awake
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"
My daughter had a charades party for her birthday. After my turn I was beaten up by the other dads. It would seem, that holding my cock and w**king, furiously, while staring at my daughters friends is not the best way to do Gary Glitter.......
One of the presenters on Children in Need just said, "Pick up your phone and pledge." I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the fcuk I'm supposed to do next?
My mate is flogging Welsh DVD's. Anyone want any? He's got: Nine and a Half Leeks Trefforest Gump The Lost Boyos Dai Hard Sheepless in Seattle Dai's of Thunder The Magic Rhonddabout Independence Dai and of course, the classic - The Sheepshag Redemption!
A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid. The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor. You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother." "What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?" "Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."