1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

JACK-ANORY FOR A FUNNY STORY - Joke Thread & Comedy Club

Discussion in 'Swansea City' started by swimaway, Jun 18, 2011.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    please log in to view this image
     
    #941
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    The wife said she'd like me to make love to her over the bonnet of her Honda Civic.

    I never would have thought of doing that on my own Accord.
     
    #942
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man.

    While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job.

    So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard".
     
    #943
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  4. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    22,355
    Likes Received:
    37,683
  5. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    22,355
    Likes Received:
    37,683
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    please log in to view this image
     
    #946
    Makemstine Roger and kiwiqpr like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    Apparently, two more stamps, and Diego Costa gets a free coffee.....
     
    #947
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  8. neveroffsidereff

    neveroffsidereff Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2011
    Messages:
    29,900
    Likes Received:
    35,432
    Thin ice!!!! ;)
     
    #948
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  9. trundles left foot

    trundles left foot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    8,916
    Likes Received:
    8,025
    made me laugh anyway.
    please log in to view this image
     
    #949
  10. swantastic

    swantastic Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2011
    Messages:
    22,355
    Likes Received:
    37,683

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she's back at the doctor, where she says "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says "I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages".

    "Nah" she says "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway".
     
    #951
  12. trundles left foot

    trundles left foot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    8,916
    Likes Received:
    8,025
    please log in to view this image
     
    #952
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    George joins a very exclusive nudist colony...

    On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

    A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.


    The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'


    The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'


    She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'


    Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.


    The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....


    Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.


    'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.


    'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.


    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.


    The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'


    'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our
    facilities.'


    George replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 60 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
     
    #953
  14. trundles left foot

    trundles left foot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    8,916
    Likes Received:
    8,025
    please log in to view this image


    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

    Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

    He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

    After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

    "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple?

    "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.

    They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch"
     
    #954
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
    One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

    Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
    She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
    Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
    Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

    The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
    She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
    Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

    By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did.
    The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
    She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

    The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
     
    #955
    Makemstine Roger and swantastic like this.
  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,604
    Likes Received:
    233,625
    A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Chicago.

    She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

    She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun. You weigh 128 lbs, and you are going to Chicago."

    The Nun sat back down and told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thught about it, the more curious she got so she decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and again put her nickel in. Out came a card that read: "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to play a fiddle."

    The Nun says to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life." She sat back down.

    From out of nowhere a cowboy came over and sat down, putting his fiddle case on the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out the fiddle, and started playing beautiful music.

    Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking "this is incredible. I've got to try this again."

    Back to the machine she went, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You are going to Chicago and you are going to break wind." Now she knows the machine is wrong as she thought to herself "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

    Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again."

    She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read, "You are a Nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
     
    #956
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  17. trundles left foot

    trundles left foot Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2011
    Messages:
    8,916
    Likes Received:
    8,025
    Apologies if posted before.

    please log in to view this image
     
    #957
    Wooperts_duck and swantastic like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights......

    "I love you!" She said, and then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and giving me the most amazing sex ever!.....

    Which is really odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!.....
     
    #958
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    160,395
    Likes Received:
    296,210
    A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
    He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
    wondering what could have happened to her.
    Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
    policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
    The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
    bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’.
    ‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’
    The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
    here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
    He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’
    The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
    turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
    good news is.
    The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were
    quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to
    her, so we’ve brought you your share.’
    He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five
    crabs in it.
    ‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all
    that… So what’s the other possible good news?’

    ‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
    get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull
    her up again!’
     
    #959
  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    116,604
    Likes Received:
    233,625
    please log in to view this image



    A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
    The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
    demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
    instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
    orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
    right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to
    The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and
    when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know
    what it stands for.
    The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
    an arsehole!"
    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
    with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence,
    so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

    On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

    Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a
    reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
    mine, same number at the top."
    Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
    you don't normally make?"
    "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
    underlined."
    "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
    "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
    "Aggressive and hostile?"
    "Yes, Sir.
    "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"
    Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.


    ~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~


     
    #960

Share This Page