A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in **** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with **** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with **** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on". She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm Sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on". She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14, you are on 13". Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?". She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm so sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".
Whenever I see a woman driving a bus I smile and think about how far we, as a society, have come in equality. And then I wait for the next bus.
EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING! A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off. A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?" She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard!" He shrugged and turned away saying,"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then." She didn't jump.........
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was . . . a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?""And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn andwould ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizingthe Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a moment . .. . .. .. ... ..........Father O'Malley then replied:"Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call
A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath."
Did you hear about the blonde that... Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years" Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button. When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C". Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125. After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
Tracy, the Essex housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Wayne! Wayne!" Wayne came running in. "Wayne, I'm stuck! I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "Farkinell!" Wayne said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get my mate Tyrone to help." They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Tyrone said, "so let's try a Plan B." "Plan B," exclaimed Wayne, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get me hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her, that'll release the suction", replied Tyrone. "Spot on!" Wayne said, "And while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?" Wayne said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!" "No," Wayne replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough we can slide her into the kitchen, the tiles were cheaper in there..."
Two sisters, one blond and one brunette , inherit the family farm.Unfortunatly , after just few years, they had financial troubles.In order to keep the bank from repossessing the farm, they had to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that the can bread their own stock. They only had $600 left.upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister , " When I get there , if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard , inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her he will sell it for $599, no less.After paying him she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.She walks into the telegraph office and says " I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our 4x4 and drive out here so we can haul it home" The telegraph operator explains that he will be glad to help her, and adds "It's just 99 cents per word" She realises that she will be able to send her sister only one word . Aft A few minutes of thinking , she nods and says " I want to send her the word comfortable" The operator shakes his head " How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your 4x4 and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word "comfortable"? The brunette explains " My sister is blonde . It's a big word . She will read it very slowly.......
I went for a Testicle check-up last week. The little Thai nurse cupped my balls and said, "Don't worry; it's quite normal to get an erection during this procedure. “I said, "I haven't got an erection." She said "No, but I have."
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say, 'WHOS HORNY'?????!!!!! And she acts like shes sound asleep. It works every time!"
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?" The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods." The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?" The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it." A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks. The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!" The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back." The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!" The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar. The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
The Lone Ranger comes riding over the hill and meets Tonto at the Big Rock and says " There are 500 Indians coming over the hill , what are we going to do ? To which Tonto replied " What do you mean WE white man .
