Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living."Mary, what does your dad do?""He"s a doctor, miss.""Joe, what does your dad do?"He"s a pilot, miss.""Billy, what"s your dad do?""My dad"s dead, miss. ""Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?""He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold...”
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped, and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next, he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo, he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell..."
A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."
A linguist dies At the funeral, a fellow academic asks his wife, “do you mind if I say a word?” She nods. He stands and says “Plethora”, and immediately sits back down. She says, tearfully, “thank you, that means a lot.”
Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went for a bottle of milk and a loaf, and came home with a case of lager and a bottle of wine....
Apparently Black Country women have broader accents than the men. It seems the female of the species is more Dudley than the male...
My mate was seeing two women at the same time. One named Keeley the other called Lorraine. Lorraine gave him the elbow. The next day, you could hear him singing, “I can see Keeley now Lorraine has gone”.
I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature. I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
