One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny.. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!" Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a **** first."
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies?”.....
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks. "To take away the pain," sobs the little girl. "What do you mean?" the teacher asks. "Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
When a delegate from a emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a pistol up to his head and pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers had a real live bullet. A month later, the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation. "We would like to show you our version of roulette," the ambassador said, "We call this African roulette." "How do you play?" The ambassador pointed to six buxom tribeswomen sitting in a circle. "Any of these six girls will give you a blow job." "Well, where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy? You must have some risk involved in this game, you know." the Russian said. "Well," said the African ambassador, "one of the girls is a cannibal."
Snow White, Silvester Stallone and Osama Bin Laden are having a conversation. Snow White says “Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know?” Silvester Stallone says “I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know?” Osama Bin Laden says “Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?” Snow White says “Let’s go and see the wise man!”... so off they go. Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: “It’s true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on.” Silvester Stallone goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: “It’s true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived.” Osama Bin Ladin goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: ; ; ; ; ; ; “Who the fu*k is this John Terry character then?“
Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England .. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris. They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori. "Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
*My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month... * *Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. * *At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." * *Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." * *The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." * *Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." * The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.
This story happened a few years ago on 31st October Halloween Night and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark Halloween night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the passenger seat and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of whiskey. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and he wasn't drunk. About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look, Bill. There's the b*stard who got in the car while we were pushing it.”
After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left. Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear: 'Who Was That?'
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
With all this **** on the TV these days, I think it's about time our parrot went back in its cage. I asked the Mrs for anal sex last night, I thought, 'why not, she takes everything else the wrong way'.
I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife, she was delighted, i spent another £2000 on a nose job for her she was ecstatic. I spent £2000 on liposuction for her, she was over the moon.I spent £30 on a blow job for myself.She goes mental....... Women?!?!?!
Ordered some things on E Bay the other day ,gave them my Donor Card instead of my Debit Card. Cost me an arm and a leg.
THE CHAUFFEUR A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque. He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes." "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it." .....
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.'Hallo there, Mr. Hollande!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!''Well Paddy, Hollande replied. How big is your army?''Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'Hollande paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.''Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Hollande , the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Hollande asks. 'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'Hollande sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.''Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Hollande, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' Hollande was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided,surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Hollande! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Hollande. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long last night chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we've decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners......'
Ever since Paddy was a child, he’d always had a fear that someone was under his bed at night. So he went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink Come and talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears. How much do you charge? Eighty pound per visit, replied the quack. I'll sleep on it, said Paddy Six months later the shrink met Paddy on the street. Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked Well, Eighty quid a visit, three times a week for a year, is £12,480.00. A bartender cured me for the cost of a couple of drinks. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new tarmac lorry. Is that so? With a sarcastic attitude the quack said: and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you? He told me to cut the legs off the bed. There’s nobody under there now. It's always better to get a second opinion.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF, but before she could say "F*ck!," the Rottweiler ate her! ……………………The teacher had to leave the room.
