Cheers swim but i could`nt possibly comment cos my ego`s locked away for the weekend [video=youtube_share;mcdtVD8X1-A]http://youtu.be/mcdtVD8X1-A[/video]
At Church the Minister explains that he must move to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims: 'If the Minister stays, I will provide him with a new Buick every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur,stands and says, ‘If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!' More loud applause. Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex.' There is total silence. The Ministerr, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?' 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'f*** him'
Massive Collection... An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors. Every time one broke down or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits. Eventually it came time for him to retire, and, since he had grown tired of tractors, he decided to sell off his massive collection. So he put advertisements in local and national papers and waited. He didn't have long to wait. A few days later, he received a letter from a businessman whose company had built many of the tractors mentioned in the ad and who had an interest in old vehicles himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer'slocal tavern. The businessman arrived on the appointed date and went into the tavern. He soon located the farmer, despite the very heavy clouds of pipe smoke in the air. An hour passed in most pleasant conversation, as the pair turned out to have much in common. "Well," sighed the farmer eventually, "I haven't had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it's about time we got down to business, eh?" "Sure," replied the businessman, "but maybe we could go somewhere else. I find it very hard to concentrate with this much smoke in the air." "There's no need for that," said the farmer, "watch this." He proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night. "Hey, how did you manage that?" gasped the businessman. "Oh, it was nothing," replied the farmer. "You see now I'm an ex-tractor fan." Passing a mental exam.... Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
The Queen was visiting Scotland and Alex Salmond called by. H.M.: "How nice to see you Mr Salmond." A.S.: "Nice to see you Ma'am. Now, what are we going to call Scotland when we win Independence? How about calling it a Kingdom, and then I'll be a King?" H.M.: "No, we don't like that." * A.S.: "Alright, so how about calling it a Principality, and then I'll be a Prince?" H.M.: .... (thinks).... "No Mr Salmond, I think we should call it a Country."
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics assistant. She showed him a bottle costing £50.00. “That is a bit much,” said Clarence. So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for £30.00. “That’s still quite a bit,” Clarence groused. ... Growing annoyed, the cosmetics assistant brought out a tiny £15.00 bottle. “What I mean,” said Clarence, “is I would like to see something really cheap.” So the assistant handed him a mirror.
One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. “Where did you get that ring?” her husband asks. “Well, she replies, “my boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings. A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat. “Where did you get that coat?” her husband asks. She replies “My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings.” Another week later, his wife comes home..., driving in a red Ferrari. “Where did you get that car?” her husband asks. Again she repeats the same story about the lotto and her share of the winnings. That night, his wife asks him to pour her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she find that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug at the far end. “And this?” she asks her husband. “Well,” he replies, “we don’t want you to get your ****in lotto ticket wet, do we??”
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto
The local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried.... over time: Weightlifters, Dockers, etc. but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, “OK", grabbed the lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the barman paid the £1000 and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a Lumberjack, a Weight-lifter or what?" The little fellow quietly replied: “Nothing like that. I work for the Inland Revenue."
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woopsie and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?' He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to **** yourself when I tell you the price.
For all diabetics!!! One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle on to the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquidaround and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the chemist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy . . . . . . . .. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant. Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish swine that did this to you? I demand to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account." He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account." "However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?" All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."
I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper." "Awww dad, what makes you say that? "She smells of elephant ****."
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Wales. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Wales" .
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish. Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’ Again, Colin said "No." Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want? Colin said, ‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’
Mark Lawrenson was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said Lawrenson. "How about why the swans will do badly this season or they will go down next season, or how much i hate them ?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" Lawrenson, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I actually have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Well then, do you really feel qualified to discuss The mighty swans, when you don't know ****?" And then she went back to reading her book.
Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.After drinking several glasses of beer, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Bill Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a golden urinal! Wow! The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton's private lavatory. "Just think," he said, "maybe I should get a gold urinal too. But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent...even for a guy like me!" Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom. Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone.".
